We all now know about the tragic events of March 22, 2021, in Boulder, Colorado. A mass murder at a grocery store, killing shoppers, workers, and a police officer. Boulder is a small town. Many of us will know someone close to someone.
Here is what is here for me today.
After learning the “facts” yesterday, I started feeling waves of feelings.
This morning, when I woke up to the sound of yet another helicopter over our house, I had that moment of transition from a delighted wake up to the memory of the tragedy.
There were more feelings. Waves and waves and waves of feelings.
In the Conscious Leadership work I do, I emphasize feeling ALL of your feelings, ALL the way through.
I realized that I have regular access to the feeling of anger. When something goes “wrong,” I am loud, aggressive, argumentative, and fierce. I also have easy access to joy, which sometimes is so effusive in me that I need to move my body in dopey jigs my partner refers to as “Catskills dances.” This is my way of feeling joy all the way through. In truth, these two emotions feel similar to me. They are both intense, giant, and loud.
Today led me to realize that I have very little access to sadness. Sadness is static. Sadness feels like it lacks the energy that often seems essential to me. The word “mollusk” comes to mind. Sure, there are tears, but after the intensity of those tears pass, there is, seemingly, nothing. No motivation to do anything. At moments, a sense that lifting an arm would be challenging. There is sitting and being.
Many people on Twitter and in my life are talking about gun control and politics. I care about these things deeply. I am appreciative of making the connection between tragedy and action. That’s a normal move for me most days. However, today, I can’t find the energy for fixing. I can’t muster the kind of righteousness that makes for effective change. Maybe tomorrow.
For now, I’m just going to be with what’s here. I am physically fine and emotionally devastated.