Some forms of responsive behavior are awesome:

• You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours (especially if I receive last).
• You ask me a generous question, I answer fully and return the favor.
• We walk in my ‘hood this time, your ‘hood next time.

Those feel good. There are countless others.

Here’s what doesn’t feel as good to me: responsive feedback.

Today my partner and I engaged in some of this. Now, we’re in the practice of sharing feedback when something feels off. We’re working on doing this quickly, transparently, and openly with as little attachment to being right as we can. We’re endeavoring to share an “ouch” with the other without getting into all manner of defensiveness and blame. We’re doing all of this to work toward being more of a “we” or an “us.” It all sounds fantastic. Doing behaviors like these is core to my full-time job. And, it still takes work on the ground in regular life.

He left home for the office, and I texted:

Hi. I just wanted to share this so it doesn’t squirt out later in some unintended way, and it is NOT a big deal. But I was sad you left for the office today. I have a light day, and I like being together here. I totally understand I guess that you need to go there and that you’ve been out of town, but just sharing…I would have enjoyed being in and out of connection at home today. And…have a good day.

He wrote back a minute later:

Thanks for sharing that with me. I can understand that sadness. It would have been nice to be together, I agree. I wish I could have gone yesterday but with 3 appointments between 10am and 3pm there wasn’t a chance. I’m glad that it makes you sad… that’s much better than you thinking good riddance!

When I received his reply, I felt so happy. I could feel a little justification in the explanation of why he wasn’t there yesterday, sure. But in general, I felt like he really heard me without defensiveness. He even made a loving joke. Look at that exclamation point. Extra sweet! I felt heard. It felt like progress. I was open, revealing an authentic feeling, and he just listened without taking it personally. Yippee.

Two minutes later, I received this:

As long as we’re sharing, I was sad to come home to an empty house without a word from you. I knew you’d head to the gym at some point, so it wasn’t a mystery, but I like a greeting and a heads up. Also NOT a big deal.

Cue pin popping my joy balloon, and whoosh, all those high and lovely feelings faded in my deflation. Sure, I can get into the “why” that specific content felt off base, but it really doesn’t matter. That would be idle defensiveness. What feels most useful is that our little dance emulated a pattern I strongly urge my clients to avoid: responsive feedback. One person gives feedback, which leads to the other coming back with something different. And another thing. Another thing. Not that. This. What? Ugh.

When I coach clients around giving and receiving feedback, I suggest that the giver of the feedback do the behaviors we both emulated in our shares here. We were not attached to being right. We shared a feeling. We telegraphed to the other how “big” a deal the thing we mentioned was (or not). A+ for us. And, to my mind, the receiver of feedback will be less defensive, less aggressive, more open, and more likely to have the closeness both parties usually are craving if they listen to what was said and just say “thank you.” And then, at least for a while, go about their day.

Something about hearing a piece of feedback as a response to the feedback I offered today, led me to feel less heard. And I felt it more acutely because it all happened in a matter of minutes. I had the high. And the low. And, sure, this exchange is pretty minor, but it helped me see in practice something I preach all the time. It’s surely something I do from time to time. I think there are mixed motivations here for the receiver. For one, the ground is fertile and open. That feels nice. Let me share my feelings too. For another, less laudably, I just got put on the defensive just a hair, let me come back with an equal and opposite reaction. It’s the latter motivation that strikes me as anathema to a culture of free and open feedback between partners, colleagues, and friends.

If you want more feedback. If you want more openness with the people who matter most to you in your life. If you want to feel and be open, just hear what the other person says, thank them, go away for a few hours or a couple of days (at least from the feedback conversation) so you can absorb what was shared as a gift. What did you learn? How much better do you know that person? Then, if you like, if the thing on your mind that came into your head is still there, share it without any connection to the thing your person shared with you earlier.

It will seem weird. Heck, just getting through hearing a piece of feedback without getting defensive and just saying “thank you” seems weird. And, I think you’ll like it. In the short term and the long term.