Shedding a Core Identity Really Sucks

In the last week alone, I have had multiple conversations with clients about “how” to shed a core personality pattern, something that has become a sticky, persistent identity. That’s all well and good, but then I found I was staring down this issue myself, and that led me to believe this might all be worth sharing.

Client #1. She is talented as heck. She is incredibly driven, unbelievably persistent, fairly perfectionistic, and careful. She can see problems miles away, and she works in an organization that prizes the ability to see issues miles away and correct them long before they crest the horizon. Oh my gosh does she put herself through a lot. It can be painful to hear about. She reports it can be painful to live with. It is, at times, interrupting her ability to ably showcase all she DOES know and HAS prepared in public settings because she’s constantly surveying where she’s going (in her mind) and fearful of pitfalls. Ouch.

She asked: How do I let go of the one that is so worried about a possible miss that she can’t feel free to shine in her true gifts?

Client #2. He is so capable. He’s a superstar. He works in an organization that offers a predictable path for promotion, and he captures many of the brass rings. He really likes brass rings. But he’s wanting something else now. He has seen the downside, the limitations, created by a major focus on near-term, close-at-hand validation. Instead, he wants to be surrounded more by people that are smarter and faster than he is. That’s no easy feat, but he’s game to be in the middle of the pool (vs doing a great dive from the high board) because he knows it will make him feel even more alive and be even more successful in the long run.

He asked: How can I find a way to let go of this steady stream of positive rewards to seek out a less comfortable, more unfamiliar situation that surely carries more risk?

Client #3. She is so intense. She can do anything she puts her mind to. Most of the time, those things are easy and the consumption by a thing feels so great to her, so electric, that once the thing is done, she can’t even recall putting much effort into its achievement. She gets a jolt from closing big deals. She loves seeing the checks hit her bank account. She likes days packed with intense calls with her customers even if at day’s end she is gasping for emotional breath after leaving so much in the Zoom room. She reads beach novels and thinks: “How can I be reading THIS. This is not CHALLENGING enough. I am not going to be a BETTER person by virtue of time spent on this endeavor!” She folds her arms, stomps a foot, exasperated.

She asked: I have started to understand how I gravitate to more – intensity, work, winning, pressure, “hard.” How am I going to survive if things get easier? What will I do? Who will I be?

These are all questions around letting go of a core identity. It’s not for the faint of heart. Most people prefer to avoid it altogether. It will almost surely feel lousy. It will likely take time. You will perhaps fall into the familiar blind spots of your identity often. Hopefully you will have dear ones around you to casually mention you’re in a hole, offer you a hand, and dust you off on your way back to presence.

When my clients ask these questions, I suggest a few things:

Just noticing your core pattern is massive. Love yourself for having the courage to spot it. Seriously. Atta person!
Increasing your awareness of how much you are engaged in this pattern in your life is helpful. Notice the big ways (easy) and the tiny ways (more knotty).
Think about the benefits you’ve been getting from running this core pattern. For Clients 1 and 2, they’d landed in organizations that served their patterns beautifully. They were flourishing there in high regard. That’s heady stuff.
Open up about this dynamic to a few people who love you and won’t weaponize this insight in any way. They already know this about you in any event, but hearing you talk about it, hearing you perhaps invite them to support you as you let a bit of your pattern go is an incredible gift (to everyone).
Let go of false polarity. You are likely not going to go from someone who is highly valued for your ability to spot distant risk to someone who wears dark sunglasses to avoid seeing the future at all. But, take hope. If you let go of a pattern this tight by even one percent over a few months, if you choose the opposite of your normal gravitational pull move to try something else, you will notice. Others will notice. Please have a parade. It’s a big deal.

So I’m Client 3. Recently I asked a large client of mine to let me jump in and do an opportunity that is definitely not in my zone of genius. We negotiated, they gave me what I asked for. I had some niggling worries, but it was a lot of money for work I would enjoy (if not love), and I said yes. Then…two dear friends and one husband did an informal intervention. There were texts, there were Marco Polos, there were iterations of seriously pushy messages. My people reported that they’d admired me for moving more to my zone of genius, for often letting go of my attachment to selling and making more money. They thought I was getting so aligned. Even happier and more free. And I was about to take a dive into a perfectly good space that for me wasn’t perfectly perfect.

But I had said yes! The client had committed to what I’d asked. I could not say no after all that!

Or could I?

Well, when you get your 5th super aggressive text from a bestie. When you get that text and feel like you’re going to vomit. When you get a text that so often you have agreed with (as was true in this case), and if you’re me. You listen. I listened.

It sucked. I hated it. There was nausea either way. I said no to the thing I had just said yes to. I said it to people I have come to love and respect.

And that, I think, is how you shed an identity. Awareness. Candor. Listening. Willingness to feel absolutely stressed and awful. Until you don’t.

Any thoughts, feelings, or blurts? Share them here.