Descheduling Friendship

This one isn’t easy, but I’ve been dancing with the challenge for so many years that I’m going to work this out with you here and let go of some old mechanisms.

I am weary, exhausted, completely over scheduling friendships and my social life.

I am lucky to have wonderful friends. We have great conversations and know one another intimately. When I am with them, I am happy and alive.

But when I’m trying to figure out WHEN to be with them and WHERE we will be and WHAT we will do, in the future, I want to curl into a ball and give up. If you know me, you know that I don’t thrive in friction. And given how much LESS friction I have in many areas of my life, the friendship planning area is a last vestige and one I’m ready to shed.

And. Friends. I adore you. What follows in this post is not personal. This is not about me being “better” or “more important” than you. Honestly, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I just want to live life in more easy flow. My friend Vince, wondering about how now everyone has a scheduled calendar, says “Why can’t we just live life in order?” That’s what I want to do. If I can do it with friends now and then, wonderful. If I can’t, it’s a sacrifice I’m now willing to make.

Here’s the context. Someone I really like emails to say they’ll be back in town in the middle of next month and they ask, “What are your openings?”

Openings? I don’t have openings. I don’t have any idea what will be happening at that time. I don’t want to do a Doodle poll with myself to generate options for a future plan that I’m not sure will feel, at that time, like an optimal expression of my life force. I know how this goes. I take 10 minutes to find openings, I surface them, maybe we agree on one, and then I have a block in my calendar four weeks hence that will feel like an impingement of my freedom. Something unique and extraordinary will pop up that might cause a conflict, and I’ll feel torn and sad to miss one or the other. EVEN IF I LIKE THE PERSON AND THE IDEA AT THE TIME OF MAKING THE PLAN!

The whole thing leads me to feel pressured and a bit trapped. Overwhelmed with logistical details. Fearful that if I don’t live a friendship life in this totally normal way, I will have no friends.

And still, it’s not working.

This isn’t a new issue for me. When I was a VC and Coach at the same time, I was overwhelmed with requests for coffee dates. Instead, I set up “The Booth,” a three-hour event I hosted at a favorite booth in a Boulder restaurant, and people just showed up anytime in the three hours and spoke with me (and others) for a short period of time. It worked great. One commitment. Many connections.

My worklife is wholly organized through a calendar tool. I schedule my “available” blocks, my clients mostly find those workable, and I show up joyfully for those meetings. I make exceptions, of course. But the friction is very low.

I have danced with ChatGPT and my dear friends to try to find a solution, but my dear one Leah said I was “trying to find a solution for a feeling.” Apparently that’s a bad idea.

I’ve always had a vision. The vision is that my life is set up like dinner at Fogo de Chão. At this Brazilian steakhouse chain, it’s all you can eat (not my favorite to be subsidizing 6’5” football players, but that’s a different blog), and you are given a two-sided coaster at your seat. When you flip it to the green side, you are interested in being offered more MEAT. When you have the red side up, you’re not open to those offers.

So here’s my Fogo de Friendship concept. Somewhere on HeySue.com there would be a little green or red indicator. If it’s green, I’m available. I’m doing what I like doing and hanging around my house or a local coffee spot, and I’m open to hanging out. People would click and find out my location, and we’d be together. When it’s red, I’m doing me.

This sounds deliriously perfect, and also arrogant.

Maybe I don’t go that far. Yet. Maybe I just say, as I’m saying right here, that I want to live my life spontaneously. I want to live in order, doing the next thing that sounds wonderful as often as I want. This means I would have a LOT more open time, and it means that either I or you would send a text and say, “Wanna go for a walk in an hour?” SO OFTEN when this occurs in my life, my answer is an effusive YES. And I trust that answer so much.

For the rest of the time, I’d simply be making myself spacious and free enough to be positioned to say yes or no. I’d be available for whatever wanted to happen…in order. Perhaps I would have fewer social engagements, but the tradeoff is probably a far higher quality of life. For me.

It’s an experiment I’m willing to try. Honestly, it doesn’t feel like a choice. It feels like a clear mandate given what’s in my heart right now. So if you ask to make plans, I’ll likely reply with something like this: “I’d love to hang with you, and I’m living life spontaneously right now. I don’t want to schedule anything, but if you are doing something and think it might be fun for me to join you, please text me.” And I will reply as often as I am able with that effusive “Yes!” Likewise, I will text you in those similarly ripe moments to see if you’d like to join me, and my lack of advance notice is not intended to suggest that you are not valuable, busy, and all of that. It’s just…an invitation.

In running this through with Leah, she said something I never imagined to be true: “Do you know how I had to live my life to be sure I’d answer every time you called me in the course of your divorce process?” Wow. She did answer EVERY time. And it was a LOT of times. And I was so grateful, but I had no idea what was required for her to be that available. So for her, making fewer friendship commitments to others allowed her to honor one huge friendship commitment to me (really to herself, I had no idea about her intention). I am tearing up again as I think of this.

If you are a friend and you are reading this, I am wide open to your feedback. You can give it to me privately or here for the benefit of everyone thinking about this for themselves.

I also want to tell you about one thing I do that is wholly enlivening. I use Marco Polo to communicate with friends (and clients). It’s asynchronous, so I can watch and talk when I want. My conversations there are deep and interesting because I and my people are bent on that. And, I just heard about a new Marco Polo program called Circles. If you don’t have a lot of friends with whom you have deep connections, you can find them here. You’ll be introduced to five other potential friends in a one-month video chat circle on the app. No schedules. No obligations. Just upside. Visit here to learn more and use the code GIFTFRIENDSHIP for $10 off. I’ve been deepening friendships for years on Marco Polo, and I feel sure you’ll love this entry point.

Another no friction, high reward part of my life? Running the Leader Coach Certification program with Kaley Klemp each year. This conscious leadership coaching certification helps stellar cohorts of working leaders inject more coaching in their day-to-day leadership. The 2027 cohort starts in March and the group is already taking shape. Learn more here, or if this sounds like a great fit for you or someone you know, apply today.

Any thoughts, feelings, or blurts? Share them here.